It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, But Don’t Suffer in Silence – Black Maternal Mental Health Week

Black Maternal Mental Health Matters

Seeing Color in Maternal Mental Health

As a woman and mom of color I found myself initially ashamed that I had postpartum mental health issues. In fact, I initially felt guilty of where I was mentally, but encouragement from those closest to me to seek professional help really allowed my mindset to shift in a positive way! Mental health discussions in the black community are a challenge, but the dialogue is slowly improving. This shift in discussion and advocacy is imperative for black mamas to receive the appropriate mental health support we need. The distrust or dismissiveness associated with black women and their healthcare providers, the high cost associated with mental health treatment diminishes the number of black mothers actually being treated. Of course no matter your race or ethnicity postpartum support should be a standard part of pre-natal and perinatal care.


2.5 years ago I would’ve never imagined being impacted by a postpartum psychiatric diagnosis- not that I thought I was immuned – just never ever considered it would be me…guess that could be said about a lot of things along my pregnancy and postpartum journey! Nevertheless here I am 1.5 years post my diagnosis of postpartum anxiety and PTSD – as a result of my traumatic and tragic, yet miraculous pregnancy and Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) and Cardiac ICU (CICU) of my miracle baby girl along with 3 unexpected hospital stays. Realizing I needed help and having an amazing support system made this diagnosis a little more bearable. I am beyond grateful for my behavioral health team!

Thinking back to how my mental health became such a roller coaster ride, meant reliving the anticipation my baby girl’s death. It’s unimaginable to wait basically 17 weeks (the latter part of my pregnancy) for the death of my unborn child! I went through so many different stages of grief, mental and emotional pain – from unstoppable crying, to anger, to hopeless, to hopeful….and then a sense of peace kicked in!

Purpose for My Pain

I realized our sweet girl had been created for a purpose bigger than my hubby and I, but at times I still gave and give God the side eye – We didn’t sign up for this… but when I look at Nia I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you,declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. My mental health is forever transformed because of this journey but Nia is not her prognosis, which ultimately would’ve meant death upon or before birth.

My New Outlook

I no longer seek to understand why me/us (can’t say that it will never cross my mind again though) on this twisted journey, but more so how can I engage/support other mamas battling similar horrific complex journeys with their unborn or newborn miracles to ensure they have the appropriate home and professional support.

Need Mental Health Support During Pregnancy and/or Postpartum?

If you are feeling overwhelmed, sad, depressed or a sense of panic while pregnant know that you are not alone. Tell someone- family or a friend, healthcare provider or feel free to contact me even if you don’t know me personally… I will not ignore you! Your body has endured so much by just being pregnant and/or giving birth and if you are coping with an unfavorable prognosis for your baby this only heightens your mental instability.

Managing Your Maternal Mental Health With a Complex Needs Baby/Child

If you are embattled with raising a baby/child with complex medical needs and your baby is now home, know that you are not alone either! Please reach out to a professional, friend, or me! I am on this unique journey and have navigated this complex healthcare system in ways I never imagined… Truly grateful to God, my support system, a spirit of discernment, and a resilient soul that keeps the fire burning in me to not give up even when I’ve wanted to along Nia’s Journey

I have worked hard to recognize the positive and blessings of our journey. Some days have been down right ugly, but I know there is Purpose for my Pain- I speak life to having good mental health! I shall live and not die!

Additional Tips for Mammas-to-Be With a Difficult Pregnancy including Unfavorable Pre-Natal Diagnosis

1. It’s Okay to have whatever feelings you are having

2. Find a therapist that specializes in complex pre-natal diagnosis or post-natal grief

3. Talk to a close friend or family member if you can – naturally most want to be supportive and helpful

4. If you have other friends/family pregnant as well, and it’s difficult for you to see them because of your own difficult pregnancy journey- know that’s okay too- you have to keep yourself mentally sane- I can relate- I was genuinely happy for them and healthy pregnancies but my heart ached for wanting the same – it was a challenge

5. Have an accountability partner that can be a great confidant and hold you to ensuring you are getting appropriate mental health care

Additional Tips for All Postpartum Mamas

1. Crying a little more than usual is okay, but it’s not when you feel like you have lost control – ask for help from family and/or friends

2. Having intrusive thoughts – this can be a sign of postpartum anxiety or PTSD

3. Being overly on edge – consider medical professional help

4. Having a difficult time bonding with your baby… initially ask for a break if you can and reset and manage your expectations for you and your baby

5. Join a postpartum support group if offered in your local community

6. If taking some me mommy time doesn’t help – consider professional help

7. Having Suicidal Thoughts or feeling you want to harm your baby – Call 9-1-1

Additional Tips for Postpartum Mamas of Complex Medical Needs Babies with extended hospitalizations

1. Spend as much time as you need in the NICU or CICU with your warrior baby. He/she can feel your presence even if you can’t hold for kangaroo care snuggles just yet.

2. Don’t put guilt on yourself if your baby was born prematurely or full term but has a rare diagnosis… Life happens and sometimes things are just beyond your control… Nia was not a preemie so I had to remind others of that and still til this day!

3. If you had a full term baby but an extended hospitalization know that your baby still does matter… advocate and demand care as if your baby was a preemie – I’ve been there… I believe this required hyper-vigilance exacerbated my postpartum issues..

4. When you can pick your baby up then opt for skin to skin- it calms your baby and also you which can decrease postpartum issues.

5. Take some me time when you are past your six week check up – yes it truly is fine to think of yourself even if things are chaotic or touch and go! Ive been in your shoes! – Mani/Pedicure new mama??? or just walking to get fresh air

6. Treat yourself to a meal outside the hospital

7. When friends and family ask how they can help – request food outside the hospital – this made me smile just a little bit more

8. Share your struggle with other NICU or CICU mammas that you may connect with during your baby’s hospitalization or at March of Dimes Hospital NICU weekly events. Even when family and friends can’t fully understand your pain and agony – these mamas will! Some just may become lifelong friends 😉

9. If your sleep is being disrupted outside of needing to pump or nurse your baby – consider speaking with to a medical professional – primary care provider, or medical staff in your baby’s hospital… some hospitals have in-house postpartum support when a mom’s baby is in the NICU or CICU; March of Dimes NICU Coordinator is a great resource as well!

10. If you have throughts of harming your baby or yourself and are already at the hospital with your baby inform a medical professional immediately, otherwise call 9-1-1

11. If you are concerned about not being able to afford postpartum behavioral healthcare, there are some therapists that will accept whatever you can afford up to a year after you become a patient/client. Also the following list of resources are available free of charge:

National Maternal Mental Health Support Organizations or Services

Postpartum Support International

Call 1.800-944-9773

Women’s Health- U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Call the OWH HELPLINE: 1-800-994-9662

9 a.m. — 6 p.m. ET, Monday — Friday

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

(SAMHSA) National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

Your local health department can be a useful resource

*Note* This blog post is solely my opinion as a non-medical professional, but as a mama that has endured the pregnancy and postpartum mental health journey…

#BlackMaternalMentalHealthWeek #BMMHW #BlackMomsBlog

Previous blog post on nurturing my mental health….

Traveling While Exclusively Pumping: Tips from a NICU and Heart Warrior Mama 💚❤️💜

Tips for hardworking Exclusively Pumping Mamas on the go that worked for me for 19 months plus….

Post Written by Popular Demand

As a recent alum of the exclusively pumping mama club, I never imagined I would be that mom to pump any and everywhere but the way NICU life set us up- I had no choice (at least in my mind), as the pump had become my 2nd husband 🤣🤣. I pumped in the car, driving down the highway, in the airport, in a make-shift lounge, the designated lactation rooms, the restroom, at work, family and friends homes, right before a concert (no seriously). Antoine and I had date night to a concert while Nia was in the NICU and we had to time my pumping sessions perfectly in order to enjoy our night out. So pumping session had to happen right before going into the concert! 🤷🏽‍♀️

Traveling by Airplane

When traveling by plane, pumping can be a little interesting. I know some moms have no shame in pumping in the middle of an airport floor/our in the open- hey the milk has to be released but if you want a little more privacy see my tips below.

1. I tried to pump before going to the airport and if I had at least a two hour layover, I did pump while in airport… Now this can be tricky.

2. Prior to traveling, I checked out the airport(s) via the internet for designated mother/lactation rooms. Not all airports do at the moment. However, a recent federal law was passed last year mandating all airports to have at least one designated lactation room and it can’t be a restroom. However, as of Spring 2019 I found myself in airports that still did not have designated lactation rooms.

The below website is awesome for designated lactation/nursing room locations in U.S. Airports

Must Haves for Pumping While Traveling (air and land):

1. A portable pump- I own two Beleef Pumps (one for home one for work, purchased on Amazon for under a $100 bucks and can really empty your breasts

2. Storage Bottles or Bags- Used to Store Milk … If you have 3 oz bottles for flying, TSA won’t have to test your milk as it falls under the 3-1-1 rule (Note: if you must have your milk tested by TSA Officer ask them to change their gloves prior to handling your milk)

3. Sanitizing Wipes (Wet Ones)- To wipe down area where you will be pumping

4. Water Wipes- To clean your pumping parts after pumping

5. Cooler bag or pack to store milk and pumping parts

6. Ice Packs- preferably refreezable hard plastic packs as they can last about 14 hours

Key Reminders

1. Breast Milk can be refrigerated up to 4 days without freezing

2. I tried to keep my roundtrip via air no longer than 4 days to prevent running the risk of needing to freeze my milk only to have it unthaw before i got home, which can lead to wasted liquid gold- milk.

3. I tried hard to ensure my trip travel times are no more than 10 hours by plane, but sometimes delays happen, and then the spirit of desperation and mama bear will come into play to save the milk- after so much boob exercise/work and sleep deprivation (See #5). If you are traveling with your baby of course you can give him/her the milk. I was unable able to do so due to Nia’s un-repaired heart (at the time). So I did my best to protect my milk.

4. Check to make sure any hotel you are staying has a fridge.

5. If you are in situation where there is an extended layover or unexpected flight delay, I recommend asking a restaurant in the airport for additional ice. People are usually generous when you mention what it’s for. Don’t be ashamed- preserve liquid gold at all costs!

This way of pumping while traveling worked for me. I am sure there may be better ways, but after 19 months and 5 days, May 2,2019 (officially an EP alum now), including surviving a 118 day NICU stay, three unexpected hospital stays, open heart surgery with Nia AND being a professional – working mom, senior manager, I definitely found some great ways to travel and work yet maintain my milk supply. I did whatever I could to preserve my precious liquid gold I worked so hard to make.

I am thankful that my breasts and breast pump finally were able to divorce on good and mutual terms! 😜

Please feel free to share my tips with other hardworking pumping/nursing mamas who travel.

Thanks to @exclusively_pumping for highlighting my exclusively pumping journey!

Exclusive Pumping on Instagram: “Erica (@nias_journey) made this beautiful collage to celebrate 19 months of exclusive pumping, and I love it!⁣ .⁣ She says:⁣ .⁣ After 19…”




Pics from my pumping while traveling life including Nia’s not so close to home medical appts…

Paying It Forward- ‘Tis the Season

In the midst of Nia’s all day routine medical appointments on Thursday, 20 December 2018, we managed to pull off paying it forward to current NICU (North and South) families at Nemours A.I. duPont Children’s Hospital.

Nia in good spirits at her last appointment before the Elf Squad made our special delivery ❤️❤️❤️

Thanks to tremendous monetary contributions from close family and friends we were able to spread a little love and prayerfully hope and words of encouragement to mothers and fathers by providing a hot catered meal from our favorite local place during our NICU stay, El Diablo and a little token of love that included a journal, Tag for Tots, and a gift card to Einstein Bagels which is located inside the hospital and not actually hospital food 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾.

We know this NICU journey is hard and lonely, and hospital food is even more depressing. Food is comfort and we wanted to make sure all the new moms and dads could enjoy a different food flair while now having a way to memorialize their thoughts, feeling or any pertinent information for the day (using their journal).

Our love for duPont is indescribable. Walking through the doors of the hospital we are always met with love, care, and compassion like I’ve never seen before. There is a vested interest and a sense of empowerment giving to us as parents to be in control of our child’s care.

Although we had appointments before dawn, all were timely and all doctors were cognizant we had a long day. We were so blessed to end our day of medical appointments by showering our former temporary home with a little love from us.

To all NICU parents currently enduring this journey- know there is hope… Our baby Nia was counted out even before she ever graced this earth on September 27, 2017 but a year plus later we are home and she is truly defying the odds! We pray that your NICU Warrior will do the same and graduate too!

Even if your journey doesn’t turn out the way you expected, know that you are awesome and amazing for fighting and advocating to no end for your biggest blessing yet- your NICU Warrior. Your unique journey is encouraging others. Your strength is not lost and you are not forgotten!

Peace and Blessings!

Merry Christmas!

~The Elf Squad aka The Shoemates~ Antoine, Nia, and Erica 🤗

In front of duPont Children’s Christmas Tree

NICU North ❤️❤️

NICU South (Original)- Nia’s former NICU home 😍❤️❤️
Happies for NICU Families

Up Close of Happy 🎁☺️

Week of Thankfulness… Thankful for My Sanity and the Ability to Nurture My Mental Health! 💚💚💚💚💚

#NiasJourney has been a complete roller coaster with many tears of joy and many tears of sadness- emotions that I couldn’t ever imagine…

The second half of my pregnancy I battled un-diagnosed depression after learning that Nia wouldn’t survive beyond birth and the recommendation for termination not once but twice at 20 and 21 weeks respectively. My heart couldn’t fathom or bear such pain… thinking of the death of our baby! Thoughts of how she would be delivered- possibly already dead flooded my mind at times- yet on the outside I continued to smile through the pain.

The Miracle(s)

 Nia appeared in this world defining all odds- breathing and screaming!! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

Then the long NICU stay- two different hospitals (INOVA Fairfax and duPont Children’s Hospital) in two different states. Before the NICU transfer, Nia coded twice, and after her transfer she had g-tube surgery.

BUTTT… on January 24, 2018 Nia was discharged from duPont Children’s NICU in Wilmington, DE and the road to home began!


Nia in car ride home after being discharged from the NICU! 2 hour car ride and she did great despite missing a whole feed!

Video of Nia’s First Car Ride HOME!!!!

Life at Home

After being home for a few weeks, I became super on edge and completely overwhelmed with Nia’s care despite having home health care, my mother moving from Memphis to help us, and  my awesome hubby being a team player… All those wonderful hands weren’t enough to keep the intrusive thoughts from invading my brain. I would imagine Nia’s g-tube being pulled out by moving her attached feeding cord, or her being dropped and bleeding, or the anticipation of her being cut straight down her chest from open heart surgery. I am sure while in the NICU I was in survival mode for so long- that I didn’t have time to think.

I tried to ignore these images for months. In the midst of battling intrusive thoughts, Nia caught a respiratory infection from one of her home health providers (that’s a story for another day) late February early March 2018 and deep down I felt overwhelmed with the thought of her having to be admitted to a hospital and we just got home! Thank God for her medical team! I sent videos to her duPont care team and contacted our local pediatrician and pulmonologist. She was treated aggressively since her threshold for getting sick is low. I kept pumping her with liquid gold and Pedialyte.  She felt better within a few days.

Nia’s 1st Hospitalization Post-NICU discharge

I became super snappy with my hubby and family, and then an unexpected hospitalization in April 2018 was the final straw.

Nia was admitted into the hospital for rectal bleeding completely unrelated to Ellis-van Creveld Syndrome (EVC) on Saturday, April 14, 2018. The fear of going back to INOVA Fairfax was real! The sound of the hospital emergency room monitors beeping sent me over the edge and I immediately burst into tears. I couldn’t help but think this hospital stay will be too much and the consultant model for medical specialists  in the hospital is one I despised! duPont Children’s  wasn’t set up that way.

Nia was hospitalized for almost a week and would’ve been longer had we not been super advocates for her!

Nia was admitted to the Pediatric Intermediate Care Step Down Unit. She was diagnosed with pneumatosis (air pockets in the small intestinal wall, likely caused by an infection). Initially the doctors thought it was Necrotizing enterocolitis or NEC, which is normally seen in premature babies.  Technically Nia didn’t fit the threshold. Thank God that was not the case.  Sunday the general surgeon, infectious disease doctor, and hospitalist came by at different times. I reiterated Nia must be evaluated from a holistic approach because of her complex medical condition- no decision can be made in a vaccuum.

We did have an amazing Resident doctor who we didn’t realize was a resident because guess what- He actually listened!

By Monday though, I was fed up with the communication disconnect between specialists, so during rounds I informed the team they all have to get on the same page- a conference needed to happen via phone or in-person.  I also advised that the hospialist speak with Nia’s expert cardiologist (she is located in Pennsylvania- but part of her EVC care team at duPont).

We were initially advised everyone was so busy- I don’t care if the specialists are consultants of the hospital and are busy- you are a physician first so you take care of the sick! This half communication and care isn’t going to work! The team said ooookay! Then the social worker asked did we want a family meeting, and I informed her we didn’t need a family meeting.  The medical team needed the meeting (See NICU journey about thoughts on family meetings) I know what family meetings mean at this hospital and I want nothing to do with it- can’t just appease us with words! We had actually considered transferring Nia to duPont after talking to her expert cardiologist.

I understood what was happening very well, and the team was not on the same page.

Nia was placed on bile rest meaning no food only IV Fluids and antibiotics. She is a trooper and didn’t get pissed about not having food until Tuesday night. Then she was hangry!

Vasovagal- WHAT’s THAT??

The Resident did contact Nia’s cardiologist in PA, and had an at length conversation. He was really impressed with her level of knowledge beyond just understanding the heart. There was discussion on what would happen next for Nia’s care during rounds Wednesday morning, and it eventually became too much for Antoine- he started to feel lightheaded and started sweating as were talking to the medical team. He had to be wheeled over to the emergency room and was diagnosed with vasovagal, which is when your body reacts to certain triggers of emotional distress and the hospital was one of them for Antoine on #Niasjourney.

Fast Forward- The team wanted to be conservative on re-introducing her feeds but she hadn’t passed blood in her stool since that Sunday. There was discussion of PICC line and then a central line because she might need to TPN… well we said absolutely not to a central line. This procedure is simple until it’s not! Nia’s expert cardiologist agreed…

Within 24 hours Nia was on pedialyte to get her GI system moving again… The team talked about the slow re-introduction of food and stated it might be Monday or Tuesday of the next week before we could go home! Then I became even more assertive! No we aren’t staying til Monday we are totally capable of taking care of Nia at home. We had already spent 118 days in the NICU and are young professionals. Yes we want the best for Nia but she is a trooper and can pass any test. So we requested the doctors test her on milk sooner rather than later.

Antoine and I informed the team Nia would get a introduction of milk by Friday and if she did well she would get two Bolus feeds Saturday morning via her G-tube and that’s it! Going HOME! That’s exactly what happened! Nia responded totally fine!

This hopsital won’t continue to add up $$$$ when its not necessary. I get being conservative about preventing re-admission but also it’s important to really understand our capability to take of care of our daughter and honestly all we’ve had to endure!

Back at Home after 1st Hospitalization- My Emotions

Post this hospitalization I would continue to have moments where I cried full of sorrow for Nia and our circumstance. I was angry at God at how it was completely unfair that we had to endure this journey and even more so Nia having to deal with so much. It had become too much! I wanted a normal baby like everyone else I knew. This was not the parenthood journey we imagined at all- tube feedings, home ventilator, and home health care.   I would cry anticipating the day someone would tease Nia for being a little person. I understand being teased all to well. I am not a little person but folks always loved to joke about my height and it gets old. My heart ached on so many levels because I wanted to protect my baby and just wanted a sense of normalcy.

Accountability for Mental Health Help

My best friend/sorority sister/linesister could hear through our phone conversations I wasn’t myself and she challenged me to  seek professional help. She held me accountable and gave me certain deadlines to make an appointment to see a therapist. I discussed with my hubby, mom, and baby sister some of my mental and emotional thoughts/feelings and they totally supported me! In the midst of these conversations, I also chatted with my girlfriend who is a psychiatrist. She was truly heaven sent on helping me navigate this process. It’s okay to not be okay….

Seeking Professional Help

I decided to see my original therapist from my pregnancy. After seeing her for a month she officially diagnosed me with Postpartum Anxiety and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to always being on edge, intrusive thoughts, and certain sounds causing such an emotional reaction. She recommended I see a psychiatrist as well that specialized in complex pregnancies, and postpartum anxiety due to extended NICU stays.

I saw her for a couple of months and realized I was getting anxiety just trying to make my appointments because she could only meet during core business hours- no evening or weekend appointments. It’s not easy getting around the DC area while working full time. She had provided me a therapist that oversaw a postpartum peer group.

I reached out to this therapist and she actually saw clients late evenings and weekends 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 and on top of that she allows postpartum women to pay what they can afford for a year!! 💗💗💗🙌🏾🙌🏾 In between changing therapists, I met with a psychiatrist as well! What a blessing!

The psychiatrist recommended psychosomatic therapy (seeing a therapist- which I was already doing) plus pharmaceutical intervention. What a blessing. I was prescribed a medication to help with my postpartum anxiety and PTSD! The psychiatrist also provided a ton of research articles since I am still breastfeeding! The medicine is/was considered safe for lactating moms! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

After leaving my first psychiatric appointment I felt relief, yet guilty and ashamed that I had to turn to a psychiatrist  for help with coping with my new normal. The stigma around seeking mental health help is real in the minority community, but I quickly got over that.

The Shift

Antoine started to notice a positive change in my behavior and I had a little more energy. I could bare our journey so much better. The Lord must’ve known prayer alone wouldn’t be enough on this journey for me because He always aligned the right people when I/we needed them.

Mental Health Balanced, Coping With More Unexpected Hospitalizations

Since seeking professional help, I’ve been able to cope with 3 additional unexpected emergency room visits with 2 ending in hospitalizations for Nia- they didn’t fully break me this time!

The month of September was a month of milestones and celebration of Nia’s 1st year of life including a one year photo shoot! September also included an unexpected 6-day hospitalization for Nia. This mama didn’t feel like the world was crumbling around her for a change. We sent Nia’s expert cardiologist videos of what was happening- Nia was having involuntary left eye closure. It was very concerning. She advised us to drive  2 hours to duPont immediately and Nia would be admitted to the Cardiac Center because of her CHD.  When we arrived the staff had already been put on notice we were en route.

The hospital stay was longer than we expected, but the team was amazing! Nia was assigned to the Cardiac Center stepdown because her expert team understood that although she wasn’t hospitalized necessarily for her heart condition she needed to be monitored by a team that is equipped to handle any surprises! The team over-communicated- from the hospitalists, neurologist, neurosurgeon ophthamologist, and cardiac anesthesiologist. It sucked to be back in the hospital but the team was exceptional. The hospitalist and resident came to see us early in the morning like clock work (between 7:30am and 8am everyday) and end of the shift so that we fully understood Nia’s plan of care and if there were any changes set to be made for the evening. We rounded with the team everyday, and I articulated the expectation of care for Nia and educated the team further on our baby and advocated for her to not be evaluated solely in textbook form. The team appreciated my advocacy and knowledge- even joked can we add you to team lol! 

There were no major concerns that came back from Nia’s 24 hour EEG or MRI/MRA. The team was stomped on the cause of these involuntary eye closures and decided that ear nose and throat (ENT) doctors should weigh in. The ENT team decided to put tubes in her ears. Nia was discharged from the hospital with new tubes and one anti-seizure medication to ensure that the team wasn’t missing small seizure activity that wasn’t showing on CT, EEG, or MRI tests. Nia was discharged that same evening after tubes were placed.

The silver lining of it all Nia did not have to spend her 1st year birthday in the hospital! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

Another Emergency Room Visit for Nia- Deep Sigh

Fast forward two weeks later Nia fell down the stairs with one of her home health nurses. I had literally just missed the accident. I walked in our home from work at 7pm and all I heard was my baby screaming at the top of her lungs. This lasted 25 minutes straight! I literally think therapy and my meds keep me from losing my sh$$ to be quite frank!

I took her to the emergency room at INOVA Fairfax  for evaluation.  There were so many sick people- coughing and all. We stayed outside until it was time to be seen- couldn’t risk any additional sickness. Nia checked out fine but was completely startled and didn’t want to be put down- which was understandable. We were able to go home the same night. Thank God! The home health nurse was very apologetic, but apologies don’t help dead babies- my exact words!

Nia’s 2nd Post Hospitalization- Follow Up Appointments

The next week, Tuesday, October 9th,  we traveled back to duPont for Nia’s post hospital stay follow up appointments. We saw the neurologist, neurosurgeon, ENT, ophthalmologist. Nia’s  pulmonologist briefly stopped by to check on her and warned us to lay low while visiting the hospital because adenovirus and some other respiratory virus had already been going around. We followed his guidance, but apparently that wasn’t enough.

Nia’s 3rd Hospitalization- yes third!!!

By Wednesday night Nia had a low grade fever and by Thursday morning her temperature was 101. I was at a local conference for work and Antoine was at work so my mom took Nia to the pediatrician! Well the pediatrician advised that Nia needed to be taken to the emergency room because she was working harder to breathe. By the time my mom made it to the emergency room, Nia’s fever was 105. On this day- I did break down and cry- I was tired and exhausted! My baby couldn’t catch a break and we as her parents couldn’t either! We really try to take all precautions because of her heart but still wanting to live and do day to day things- it’s so hard!!! More than likely she picked up something while at duPont for follow-ups.

Nia was admitted for overnight observation.

My mom was super helpful and went home to pack our overnight bag for us so we could be with Nia. The next morning I showered at the hospital and went to work while Antoine and my mom held down the fort. It was so difficult leaving Nia behind for work- really hate feeling like I have to balance being a professional and a mom- especially with complex needs! I am an awesome professional but a little more flexibility would be definitely beneficial. Despite having to be a supermom/superwoman, I am so thankful for an amazing support system. Nia was discharged while I was at work, but then I received another call on my way home that my niece had been rushed to the hospital so I had to leave work and rush to the hospital to check on her- WHEW!

In the midst of the hospitalizations, I am truly thankful I have my sanity and awesome behavioral health support system too.

Challenge to Family and Friends of New Mothers

It’s so important to really check on your family and friends beyond the one or two months postpartum because postpartum anxiety and depression are real. It’s even more important when your friends are  NICU Warrior Mamas and/or Daddies! I challenge all family and friends check on those that may suffer from any tough times in life or mental health issues- encourage them to seek the help that’s need and help them to realize it’s okay to ask for professional assistance.

The pics below are what Postpartum Anxiety and PTSD look like…


A Mended Broken Heart

Moral of the story: there is not always a certain look- broken and hurting people can clean up very well… The smile you see in these pics are genuine and pure- but my heart  has been crushed along this journey! I am thankful for a mended broken heart, mind, and spirit!

I am so grateful for my hubby, mom, sisters, bffs, prayer warriors and strangers that think of us and pour out love across the globe! It is much appreciated!

I am a better version of me because I realized (and so did others) I was not myself- which is normally a person that sees life as a glass half full. My glass felt half empty at times despite the blessing that God bestowed upon us on September 27, 2017.

God’s provision for my life and purpose for me and my family continued to prosper in spite of the emotional and mental struggle at times of #Niasjourney… which could’ve broken me forever- but I choose life and positivity and all the blessings my God has for us on this path!

God has truly blessed me (us) in my/our brokenness 🙏🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾💗💗💗💗

No Weapons Formed Against Me Shall Prosper. ~Isaiah 54:17

I Can Do All Things Through Christ, Which Strengthens Me. ~Phil 4:13



Week of Thankfulness- Thankful to Celebrate Thanksgiving Full Circle With Nia at Home! 🙌🏾🍁🍁🍁❤️❤️❤️

I am thankful for the breath of Life and Thanksgiving Outside of the NICU 🙌🏾🙌🏾😍💗💗💗💗🍁

Thanksgiving last year we split our time between attempting to celebrate our blessings at home and then making our way to be with Nia in the NICU.

We are so incredibly thankful for a sweet friend that brought a whole Thanksgiving Dinner to us during our NICU journey last year! Alexis and Jeff W- we love you all!

As I write this post, I am incredibly emotional as this is another milestone for us! We are home this year for Thanksgiving and all together. We woke up this morning with sleeping arrangements a little different from most parents with a toddler. Since our home health Nurse called out last night, Antoine and I had to camp out on Nia’s bedroom floor so she could sleep in her own bed. Our journey doesn’t allow the freedom for Nia to sleep alone without being monitored! Yes we have a camera/monitor in her room! Antoine is an Engineer and gadget guru 🤣🤣🤗❤️ BUT we have to make sure Nia doesn’t flip over and put her entire face in her mattress. So before we went to sleep we had to place her pulse oximeter on. Nia fell asleep before her Triology/CPAP could be put on- so we just winged it and let her be- back to us being dubbed as the #WingitParents because of this journey. We don’t always follow the rules or doctors’ orders every night- and just thankful today we don’t have to since Nia is a little stronger! So no machine last night but we made a pallet on the floor instead to hear her breathe and not solely rely on a machine to tell us if her oxygen saturation or heart rate dropped too low!

Our Thanksgiving Morning 2018! Pallet and Pulse Oximeter- the simple things!


Thanksgiving 2018- we are thankful for our eternal God allowing us the gift of life- birthing and parenthood experience beyond the walls of the NICU. We will never take it for granted! We are thankful for Nia’s medical equipment and devices- Infinity Feed Pump, syringes, g-tube (Mini one profile), g-tube extensions, bolus and gravity feed. Gravity feeds are lifesaver on time when we are exhausted- thank you Antoine for being risky and trusting that Nia can handle it. We are thankful for Lasix, which helps prevent fluid build up around Nia’s heart and lungs with her congenital heart defect. We are thankful to be able to continue to produce breastmilk as an exclusive pumper- 13.5 months postpartum! 💗💗💗

We are thankful for Nia’s triology/CPAP which expedited her discharge from the NICU at duPont Children’s. We are thankful for Nia’s expert medical team including the local DMV team- her pediatrician is a jewel and rockstar; duPont Children’s (NICU and Cardiac Center) and expert cardiologist in Lancaster, PA! We love you all! We are even thankful for INOVA’s NICU team for taking care of Nia for the first two months of life (despite some mishaps and frustrations along the way)! Much love to Dr. B and some of our NICU nurses- now forever friends!

We are thankful for our new family and friends we’ve made in the NICU at INOVA Fairfax and duPont Children’s Hopsital! What an awesome and amazing blessing seeing our babies a year later and watching other amazing Warrior parents in action advocating for their precious gifts too!

My emotions are raw and real and can’t help but think of the families that have lost loved ones and precious babies that may have never experienced life outside of the hospital! We love you all and truly thinking of you today! Our hearts ache for you- because we understand all too well the fragility of life! One minute things can be fine and the next minute things go south- we’ve been there- Nia coded twice right after Thanksgiving last year! Please know that your are loved and not alone! We see you and you can reach out anytime- morning, night, overnight!

All I can say is God what a difference a year makes! We couldn’t have made it without your divine intervention- God’s grace and mercy brought us through and continues to do so- even through frustration, pain and chaos! Death was for certain for our sweet Nia- #ButGod #MadeAWay

It’s not about all the food we can eat today but about the unwavering love God has shown us and the insurmountable strength He has given us along this journey! We are thankful for every single moment we get to be Nia’s parents here on this Earth!

Happy Thanksgiving! Be Thankful for the small things! #NiasJourney #ButGod

I will give thanks to the LORD with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds. ~Psalm 9:1

Pics from Thanksgiving 2017

Thanksgiving Morning 2018- Beautiful Nia asleep in her own bed #FearfullyandWonderfullyMade

This post is dedicated to all NICU, Cardiac ICU, and parents that have lost their sweet babies too soon! Today is not easy as you see posts of new gifts of life at home or out and about, and you are sitting in the hospital by your baby’s side instead OR having to relive the would’ve, could’ve of the life you yearned for your heavenly angel babies to be! Love you all! Sending hugs and love your way! 😘😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️


Erica, Antoine, and Nia

1st Year Open Letter to My Miracle Baby Girl- Nia Alexandria! Happy Birthday!!🎂🎉🎈

Nia this 1st year of your life has been an incredible journey- one that only God Himself could’ve written. When I first knew you were created in my womb- my perspective on life change immediately!! Mommy was so happy- that I ran downstairs to tell your dad while he was in the shower- that we were going to be parents!!! Little did I know our parenthood pregnancy journey would be an experience of a lifetime! You showed us early there was nothing textbook about you- including being able to wave at 12 weeks in my womb! 🤣

September 27, 2017 is one day I will never forget- your birth wiped away my 17 weeks (your initial diagnosis date- June 1, 2017) of tears and broken-heartedness at the thought of losing you! Nia we are sorry in some ways because we had prepared for your death and burial, while still believing in God’s miraculous works! See God used your dad’s dream to save you- because we had made the appointment to terminate you, not because of lack of faith but going along with the textbook medical expert answer! But Again you proved not to be anything of a textbook!

The way you decided to cry on your birthday was your way of telling me- mommy I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I am your imperfect perfection! Dwarfism doesn’t define me mama! Don’t be sad! I am here…and my God you are here!

My heart broke initially knowing you had a form of dwarfism- as I had prayed to God before you were formed to NOT have a small/short baby. This prayer went unanswered from God because He truly wanted to show me how tough I could be even in the midst of my brokenness . Not many people witnessed my physical, mental, or emotional pain from your prognosis!

I want you to know, this prayer was not because I don’t love all of me (and you) including my height, but more so the world/society has a way of cracking jokes and making you feel less than if you are of certain physical stature. God gave me exactly what I thought I didn’t want or need. He made me face my fear and hidden insecurities head on. I blamed myself for your condition- but then quickly realized your dad (even at 6ft 2 in) had this special gene change and I just so happen to have an unknown magical gene change as well that gave us beautiful you! We are the perfect storm together and you are our lightening strike! 😍

Was I angry initially yes, because I was ashamed and didn’t want the world to judge you for your physical appearance and you have to endure the stares and judgement of others! Everyday, I am getting better at accepting your condition- and realizing how amazing you are- you are perfect! I love all your 12 fingers and ten toes, and Hawaiian Silky Hair! You are truly a doll- and broke the mold of what a “little baby” should/would look like! I no longer shed tears for your condition, but cry because you are all mine (and your dad’s), and of course God’s beautiful creation!

My heart and psyche have endured so much in this last year (and a half), but your smile and tenacity have kept me! Your birth brought me joy, yet your NICU stay brought a complicated sense of joy and pain in ways I never imagined! Mommy fought so hard for you- and vowed to protect you! I maintained survival mode and strength because your name spoke every thing about you- Purpose baby! I didn’t know that I needed you honestly, until I Needed you! The day you stopped breathing, my heart couldn’t fathom the thought of losing you- again!!! So grateful that God understood as well! 💗💗🙏🏾😘

You really have brought so much love and happiness to your daddy and I! Your spirit and journey have touched so many and we pray that you continue to bring light into this world!

You have defied the odds even developmentally- though you are g-tube fed, everyday you work to take more and more food by mouth while mommy continues to pump liquid gold into your tube!

It looks like you might skip crawling and will instead just walk! Wow! I am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for you to just take off one day soon! I remember your milestone of smiling back at me for the first time, and when you decided to sit up on your own right before you turned 8 months- and considering you had an almost 4 month NICU stay! Your claps and hello waves are just too much for me!

Nia though you may be small in statue- according to society’s “normal” standards you are truly anything but that! You are strong, you are big, you are smart, you are mentally tall! I am here to witness you break glass ceilings and continue to fall outside of the textbooks! You aren’t your condition- you are fearfully and wonderfully made!

The world will know you beyond Ellis-van Creveld Dwarfism! As your mommy, I may not have a medical condition, but I too am petite and fierce- so I will be sure to lead by example to help you navigate life’s challenges! You won’t hear “can’t” from mommy or daddy! We may just have to improvise along the way!

You are loved by so many so I know there will be many to cheer you on! Just know that mommy and daddy will ALWAYS be your Number 1 supporters!

I never knew love like this until I had the chance to feel you grow from the inside out!

Nia Alexandria you are 1, you are 1!!!! I am in complete awe that we are celebrating an almost unimaginable milestone just a year ago! I love you “Doll Baby.”

And we know that all things work together for good to them that Love God, to them who are called according to His PURPOSE! ~Romans 8:28

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. ~Psalm 139:14

A person is a person, no matter how small! ~ Dr. Seuss

Though she be but little, she is fierce! ~William Shakespeare


Mommy (ELS)

Nia’s NICU Journey

Nia’s Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) Journey is the most difficult thing I/We’ve ever experienced, which is why it’s taken months to write.

In honor of NICU Awareness month, I share our story.

It was a blessing yet unfathomable, unrelenting, traumatic, joyful, dreadful, overwhelming, awful (at times), and a roller coaster ride- full of ups and downs. September 27, 2017, December 5, 2017, and January 24, 2018 are three dates I will never forget!

Spending 118 days in the NICU- two different hospitals might I add,  was nothing we ever expected… but let’s be honest we weren’t expected to have any days beyond Nia’s birthday with her- so for that we are thankful.

I can’t ever get the smell of the hospital out of my nostrils- the monitors, the alarms- various beeping sounds, smell of Poly-vi-Sol, Palmolive dish detergent, cords everywhere, and my dry skin from scrubbing in and out of the NICU God knows how many times a day!  Care time- was also unforgettable- a gift and a curse (more on that later).

There were many “firsts,” but the biggest one yet was holding Nia for the first time- over 55 hours after giving birth! The wait felt like an eternity, BUT It was an incredible moment. I cried tears of joy- completely in awe of God’s miraculous work! Then  Nia’s first sponge bath,  approximately a week later- she graduated to a big girl crib and her first non-hospital sponsored (required) baby outfit!

First Time Holding Nia- 55 hours after giving birth- September 29, 2017

Exclusively Pumping Mama

Beyond firsts for Nia was a huge first for me- adjustment to pumping life! As a NICU mama warrior, I committed to providing Nia all the breast milk my body would produce for her- thank God I had a great supply despite exclusively pumping (EP). For NICU mamas it is hard seeing your baby endure and the only thing you may have control over is pumping (if you choose or are able to do so)- feeling like a cow 😂 and more pumping to give your baby the best medicine possible! However, Being an EP mama did not come without a sacrifice and at times overwhelming because it took precious time from Nia and a race against the clock for her next care time (diaper change, temperature check and ever 12 hours changing the CPAP from mask to bonnet), despite being able to pump in her private room. For breastfeeding mamas it’s already exhausting, but just imagine being attached to a machine for 6-7 times a day, while trying to manage medical team members stopping in (sometimes) while you are pumping and taking in information about your baby’s care. However, I refused to quit (AND STILL GOING STRONG)! At times pumping was a good distraction from our reality and sometimes chaotic life that was centered on essentially living in a hospital.

The Beginning of a Long, SLOW Journey

Since Nia came out pink and screaming, and requiring non-invasive respiratory support, Antoine and I thought we might spend a month in the NICU at best (ridiculous thinking, so naive I guess), not 118 days- 2 days shy of 4 months.

The First Day/Night- Rewind 

Before I ever held Nia, I will never forget my first time seeing her in the NICU. I worked to get myself together quickly despite having a C-section that morning! I made my way to her NICU neighborhood- the Garden and scrubbed in. I will never forget being wheeled to Nia’s room and being able to stand solid on my two feet straight up- with no regard for my fresh incision just to witness, see and touch my/our living miracle. She was perfect- all 12 Fingers and 10 toes! She was breathing with non-invasive respiratory  support and a little oxygen- CPAP pressure of 6 and oxygen at 23 percent (room air is 21 percent)!

Antoine became an immediate super dad! He literally would take the small syringes and eventually “snappies” bottles provided and ensure the little colostrum aka liquid gold I produced was expedited to Nia! He ran downstairs to the NICU after each pumping session and washed all my pumping parts! I didn’t have to lift a finger- a complete blessing!

The beginning of liquid gold in NICU “snappies”

Fast forward to my discharge day!

My heart sank at the thought of leaving Nia alone for even a short amount of time! I didn’t officially discharge until closer to 7pm because it was unfathomable to leave our baby. Initially, she had great nurses, but a core team would’ve been preferred. However, that didn’t always come easy!

Antoine taking a peak at his precious miracle- oh the joy (see the soft smile on his face)- PROUD DADDY! 

Antoine  first time holding Nia!!!

 Leaving the hospital! We were so excited to be new parents but sad to leave Nia.Our Baby Girl was breathing- nothing but the blood of Jesus!!!! Antoine’s Shirt Credit- gift from his faternity- linebrothers

The First Full Week

Within the first week of Nia’s NICU stay we began to understand the routine of things. Rounds by the neonatologists (NICU doctors) were from 9am-11am. Monday rounds seemed to always be the biggest since it was the beginning of  the week-  changes to feeds, respiratory support would likely happen. The weekly labs sucked for Nia because she was a hard stick- meaning her blood either hemolyzed too fast or they couldn’t draw enough. Initially she had weekly x-rays to ensure her naso-gastric (NG) feeding tube was placed in the right location. Nia also had routine echocardiograms to ensure her Patent Ductus Arteriosus (PDA) closed; to ensure her atrial septal defect (ASD) remained stable; and to double check for ventricular septal defect (VSD). The cardiology team watched closely for that because it would be something else to complicate her heart defect. Thank God the PDA closed on its own and no signs of VSD, which would’ve definitely put Nia in the operating room before 6 months old.

Crib Life

Driving the Train for Nia- Month 1

The first 2 weeks Antoine and I spent about 8-9 hours during the day. We would leave and come back for a few hours at night. When Antoine returned to work, he would go in really early  so that we could have most of the afternoon and night with Nia. After 30 plus days NICU fatigue set in! If you’ve had an extended NICU stay you know what I mean!

NICU Parent Warriors- Advocates!

As NICU parents it is critical to advocate for your baby/babies and convey that you understand how things operate and you are educated on your baby’s condition, and ask questions.  We learned Nia had to initially have a  peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC) line because she needed additional nutrition- TPN. That meant we couldn’t see her for at least 12 hours because the environment had to be sterile. Thankfully, the PICC line didn’t stay too long.

Nia had two attending neonatologists that rotated weekly between one another. One of her neonatologists had exceptional bedside manner, open-minded and willing to explain his thought process. When we felt like we were on a good foot, the rotation would change, and at times led to mis-communication. In this learning process, we also understood early on that family meetings are useless unless the medical specialists (i.e. cardiologist, pulmonologist) are part of the conversation.

A sense of frustration grew because there was no clear direction of what to expect as it related to Nia’s care plan. I discussed with the medical team that Nia’s rapid breathing couldn’t be addressed the same as a preemie baby because her lungs would always be smaller- because of Ellis-van Creveld (EVC) complexities! That seemed to fall on deaf ears and we received the response that the medical team had treated rapid breathing over and over again and how they were treating her lung condition was a normal course of action!

Caveat: INOVA Fairfax is outstanding for preemie and micro-preemie care as a NICU Level IV institution, but Nia did NOT fall into those categories. This NICU only had seen one other EVC case in five years prior to Nia’s birth, because her condition is so rare- 1 in 60,000 births and less than 300 cases reported globally.

By the end of month one Nia appeared ready to wean from CPAP to a high flow nasal cannula (HHNC), which came two days after she turned 1 month! Things seemed to be going well, but there was no real discussion of discharged plan. The biggest thing pushed on us was nutrition and slower breathing, so I continued pumping but never stopped wondering how to get Nia out the NICU. In the back of mind was the hospital I had found doing research while I was still pregnant…

In the midst of Nia making overall good progress, her bottom (butt) had a complete breakdown- beyond a normal diaper rash. That’s when I turned from diplomatic Erica, to Mama Bear. Why is her butt broken down???? I had been at the NICU 9-10 hours a day, what were the nurses doing- forget care time! Nia was quite the pooper in the NICU, and I had to literally spell out to some of the nurses (UGH) why her diapers had to be changed before care time. If Nia poops 30 minutes after her initial care time, she can’t be expected to sit in it for the 3-4 hours- RIDICULOUS and not acceptable. This was not my first discussion about this- I was over it- and expressed my frustration to both nurse managers! In return her board was updated- I’m a pooper.

Nia was a good and overall stable baby in the NICU, but at times that assessment also came with a cost. We were thankful she was less critical than some of the other precious babies, however she would at times seemed to be ignored or not checked until care time by the nurses. So I made a point to start spending 14- 16 hours a day. I know a lot of people thought well at least your baby is being cared for and you can get some rest- just because my baby is not home doesn’t mean I am resting well! I would rather have sleep deprivation because Nia was at HOME.

In between trying to care for Nia there were other logistical things we had to think about- getting food everyday, checking on our home, making sure bills still got paid, oh and making sure our fur baby– Miles was cared for! Antoine handled most of these things and we had amazing friends and some family that made sure we had food from near and far!

A Little Fun in NICU Life

There were some happy and fun moments in the NICU… Nia would have fun onesies that cracked everyone up… We had to laugh to keep from crying some days!

Nia- The Pooper- Diaper Loading Please Wait! 😆

Halloween 2017- Dr. Nia! Halloween Sign Credit- NICU Nurse

Sign Credit: Sweet NICU Nurse

Back to Discussion with doctors…Advocating for Nia

After so many questions and no straight answers, I remembered from some research that I had conducted while pregnant- learning and getting up to speed on EVC- there was one particular children’s hospital that specialized in treating dwarfism and more specifically EVC- Nemours/AI duPont Children’s Hospital in Wilmington, DE. This hospital is about two hours from the DC area. I asked Nia’s favorite neonatologist would he be amenable to a conference call with the medical team there so we can gain a better sense of Nia’s care plan as a baby that has EVC. He was open to it!! He always wanted the best for Nia- despite being a LSU grad- LOL! (We talked SEC football non-sense since Antoine and I are Ole Miss alum).

Month 2

INOVA Fairfax Medical Team Conference Call With duPont

Thanks to our awesome genetic counselor at Fairfax, she was able to coordinate the conference call with duPont and Nia’s favorite neonatologist. We were not on the call but our genetic counselor took lots of notes. We learned that Nia’s oxygen saturation parameters should be different than other babies because of her heart defect- ASD. That was a blessing as Nia was still being treated similar to a “textbook” case preemie baby/ which she never was. I tried to articulate this message over and over! We learned there were some amazing doctors part of this duPont EVC team- from neonatologist, pulmonologist to cardiologist- All this would be important later…

Nia Turned 2 months andddd Stopped Breathing- Advocacy Became Critical

At 2 months, November 27, 2017- less than a week after Thanksgiving, Nia overall looked great- though still breathing pretty rapidly. She was now down to oxygen only – no CPAP at just around .4 liters of 100 percent oxygen. The weekend leading up to turning two months- Antoine and I noticed her chest retractions were more defined than usual and she was a little congested and seemed more tired than normal. We didn’t think much of it initially. Antoine seemed a little stuffy as well, but nothing more and decided he would wear a mask as a precaution. Well the mask led to him being asked several questions by the medical team- are you sick? The problem with the questioning was there were medical team members walking around coughing, and sneezing with no masks/ but no questions asked of them- since I am assuming they “didn’t need to a mask”- whatever!

I digress, well for the first time while Antoine and I were at the hospital together, we decided to go off campus for lunch. We were completely burnt out on Panera inside the hospital. It’s a nice option, but two months straight of Panera whew! Upon our return to the NICU from lunch and walking into Nia’s room, we were met by her attending resident. She let us know that Nia had to be bagged- what!!! She immediately said everything seemed okay, Nia was just working harder to breathe so they moved her from low flow oxygen back to high flow pressure and oxygen to decrease the amount of work she was having to do. Okay…

Fast forward… Antoine stepped out to get something to drink while I finished pumping. I was finally ready to pick Nia up with the assistance of our favorite NICU nurse (now forever friend), and Nia’s O2 saturation levels started to dip below her normal parameters for her ASD heart condition, and then her lips turned BLUE, and my baby looked back at me for the first time with fear and panic in her tiny eyes! The nurse looked at me and said I am so sorry but I have to call a MSET. I knew we were in bad shape before that call but it literally seemed like pandemonium had happened. Doctors and nurses were running from everywhere.  Nia had to be bagged over and over again!!! Being in the NICU for 60 days at this point I had seen this MSET call before just not for my baby 😭…I literally fell apart- inconsolable tears and a couple of nurses comforted me. Lord did you bring us this far to take our baby from us! I couldn’t wrap my heart and mind around what was happening. I went out to the Parent Lounge to let Antoine know what had happened.

At this point the doctors were thinking virus or bacterial infection. so a lot of tests were ran.

Nia’s favorite attending neonatologist-  finally came to the parent lounge and he didn’t have a warm look.  His face looked very serious and concerned. Antoine and I thought is this doctor coming to tell us Nia had died… I just couldn’t fathom how things had changed in an instant.

He informed us she Nia finally somewhat stable, but her breathing was incredibly fast. She was on the verge of intubation- say what! Nia had never been intubated  before despite her condition, and that apparently is rare. He said they would have to keep watching her and if she continued to work any harder to breathe, intubation was still on the table- which he really didn’t want to do!  He truly believed in Nia.

He informed us that they were running tests because he believed she had caught a cold from Antoine. Of course all types of anger and guilt set in. First thought was, we were cautious, second thought we were offended- one of these nurses could’ve given her a cold.

That night Nia sucked on her paci so hard that she made one of her natal teeth bleed and it had to be pulled with tweezers.

In the midst of the chaos, tests slowly started to come back and they showed no sign of infection.

I planned to return to work the next day, but clearly God had other plans. I set a schedule to work 40 hours every two weeks and 40 hours of Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) leave without Pay (LWOP), so I wouldn’t tank all of my leave prior to Nia coming home.  Instead another week of FMLA LWOP- the cons of federal employment….no true maternity leave.

Before we stepped out to lunch! Nia’s 2 month photo- before the day turned south

After the second time Nia stopped breathing!! Back to CPAP (which was set at 7- higher than when she was born) while praying for no intubation

Fast forward, the next day…Nia was doing better, and all tests were negative for infection. In the midst of this I made a call to the EVC cardiology expert that had been on the duPont conference call. She knew exactly what had happened to Nia. Nia likely had an hyper-cyanotic episode- hence turning blue. These episodes can happen in EVC babies with no clear cut explanation. Over oxygenating EVC babies can cause similar responses, which we learned later was mostly likely the case. The cardiologist informed us she or the EVC team couldnt treat Nia so far away and we need to transfer her ASAP.

We decided to do just that. I informed Nia’s favorite neonatologist that it’s best we do so.  I also had a candid discussion with him that we were offended that he initially concluded that Antoine made Nia sick. He apologized and said he initially believed Antoine had gotten Nia sick. Nonetheless, the neonatologist supported the transfer and genuinely wanted the best for Nia (He continued to check on her)!

Prep to Transfer- First visit/meeting to duPont

This process was fast! DuPont contacted us on Friday, and we set up an appointment to travel to Wilmington, DE on Monday to meet with the medical team there to see if this would be the place for Nia’s care. We met with the Cardiac team, Chief of Pulmonology, and Chief of Neonatology along with the neonatal nurse practitioners  (NNP)that were part of the EVC expert care team. They showed us a FLOW CHART of how the intake process works for EVC babies- WOW!!!!! We were impressed!  Nia would have a G-tube placed within a few days of arriving to DuPont.

We had been waiting for a while for this surgery to happen at Fairfax, but there had been a conservative approach to do so (Nia was actually scheduled for this surgery prior to her coding), while at DuPont it was probably one of the first surgeries that many EVC babies have and within two weeks of birth. Nia was already 2 months old! Now keep in mind duPont’s NICU aesthetics was not nearly as nice as Fairfax but as long as she could get excellent care-  it didn’t matter!!! While we were on our visit, the social worker informed us we had been approved for transfer, and that we needed to move on it ASAP! Antoine thought we would have at least til Wednesday, and the answer was NO- NOW- tomorrow!!!!

At that moment- I can’t lie, anxiety set in- the reality of what would be the cost to transfer Nia, how would we manage our home, the cost of traveling back and forth from the DC area to Wilmington and all the toll fees especially with me not working full time at this point. Then there was God, reminding me how he has never failed us yet- He has brought us this far to even be at this point with Nia! It will work out! I am forever reminded- of Phil 4:19- But my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. 

Word spread fast back at Fairfax that we were planning to transfer Nia. Apparently there was rumint of it over the weekend, but the fact the process was expedited was even more shocking. I had just met with the Clinical Director over the weekend to demand a formal Care team- but that point was null and void….Nia time was up at this NICU and we were ready, yet it was so bittersweet.

Medical Transfer/Transport Day- Road to Dupont- Wilmington, DE

December 5, 2017– Transfer Day was filled with many emotions as this NICU had become our second home. A lot of the staff couldn’t believe we were leaving. The medical team expressed how gracious I had been as a NICU mom, yet advocating for Nia to no end! We definitely had nurses and some families we would miss and a couple of the doctors, BUT we did not regret transferring Nia. She deserved a team that knew how to care for her complex condition.

The transfer was seamless! Dupont’s medical team arrived via their own ambulance and transport incubator. Nia was pissed and not happy to be put in this enclosed case.  So many people came by to see us off! Nia truly had won and touched the hearts of so many people in just two short months, despite some of the frustrations we faced in this NICU.

Transport Day- Portable Incubator that Nia hated!

The team loaded her up and we made our way to the ambulance. I was able to ride in the transport with Nia while Antoine drove separately and met us there! Two hours from home here we go…

Nia’s Arrival to Nemours/A.I. Dupont Children’s Hospital

Nia arrived at Dupont Children’s Hospital and immediately became unhappy again when the ambulance stopped moving! The transport team made their way with Nia to the NICU and we had to wait in the parent lounge until she was all checked in. They had her on pre-cautionary contact isolation for MRSA just because she was a transfer.  Finally, the charge nurse came and got us, she was also Nia’s nurse until night shift. I must say we loved Nia’s night nurse (she signed up to care for Nia every night she worked!

We knew it was an older NICU from our first initial visit, although other parts of the hospital were new. The first thing we noticed was this NICU was much smaller than Fairfax. There wasn’t a 21st century feel to the rooms, and some rooms were doubles not single. At Fairfax, every baby had their own private room for the most part, unless you were a twin.

For the time being Nia had her own room, but we were immediately informed this could change once the team felt she was stable. We were advised that specialists would be by to speak with us the very next day- whoa this place was fast. We had planned to leave Nia and come back on Thursday- which I believe God knew I wasn’t prepared for the separation. However, we had no clothes or anything for an overnight stay.

We requested to stay at the Ronald McDonald House of Delaware, but they were full! So we had to stay at the hospital overnight, but luckily Ronald McDonald had a couple of overnight rooms at DuPont where we could at least shower and one parent could sleep- Antoine took the room and I stayed with Nia. We went on a Target run before midnight to get a few necessities- changing clothes and toiletries. By that morning we were contacted by the Ronald McDonald House we had a room available! Thank God! That really helped to cut the expenses for lodging.

That same morning the pediatric surgeon met with us to discuss Nia’s G-Tube and Fundoplication (Nissen) surgery. A  nissen is when a little portion of the stomach is wrapped around the esophagus to prevent aspiration, which could be deadly for Nia if it got into her lungs.  He is specifically the expert for EVC babies g-tube surgery because he understands their unique anatomy. He explained to us what to expect, including how long the procedure would take- approximately 45 mins or so,  and how quickly Nia would start feeds via her new feeding tube, which was no later than the next morning. We were shocked because at Fairfax their approach was a little more conservative- somewhere around the 3 days or more mark would be the slow introduction of feeds. Nia’s surgery was quickly scheduled for Friday, December 9, 2017- only 3 days after her arrival at DuPont.

Later that morning all the other specialists came to met with us- the chief of the  cardiac ICU and the chief of pulmonology.  Nia would have another echocardigram to ensure her heart defect remained stable as it appeared from previous visuals. The pulmonologist discussed the condition of her lungs and current respiratory support. It was indeed a long day but well worth it because these doctors definitely worked together as a true interdiscplinary team. They had weekly discussions and rounds of complex medical cases. Our hearts and minds were finally at ease. We felt okay to leave Nia for a day or so.

We drove back home to the DC area (Alexandria) that night. I cried leaving Nia, not because I was worried about her care, but being two hours away meant I couldn’t just hop in my car like at Fairfax and be at her beside in 25 minutes. It would be only the second time we hadn’t seen Nia in a 24 hour period since she had been in a NICU. We quickly returned in the wee hours of Friday morning so that we would be at Nia’s bedside prior to her G-Tube surgery.

G-Tube Surgery Day

We arrived at the hospital around 7:30am as they had planned to take Nia for surgery by 8:30am. When we arrived she was unclothed outside of her diaper and a white hat. She was awake as if she had been waiting for us to come back. Around 8am the cardio-thoracic anesthesiologist came by to explain his role- which we were surprised about that! That’s pretty awesome- totally unexpected and had not been a discussion before, but again DuPont understands the complexity of EVC babies. The surgeon quickly stopped by and then the surgery team arrived to take Nia away. I shed tears for sure- and we prayed over her. Out the room she went- but not before a couple last minute pics.  We felt at peace but for any parents it’s still nerve wrecking for your baby to be taken away even if it is a “simple” procedure. Any procedure for Nia is never simple.

Last pic before doctors took Nia for her first surgery

Nia came back from surgery intubated, which was a little scary. She was awake but initially couldn’t make any noises then we started to hear her little cry despite her being intubated- that was a little hard to hear. The respiratory therapist thought Nia would stay intubated for possibly 24 hours. However, the attending neonatologist and NNP disagreed. They believed in Nia and overrode the RT and said “nope we are pulling it.” Nia’s O2 saturation initially started bottoming out, but the team didn’t flinch. They were so calm and got Nia respiratory support under control- she was extubated within 2 hours of surgery, which was a huge shock! 🙌🏾🙌🏾

Nia was in pain the first 24 hours but after that she did well! On Sunday, we left Nia to go back to the DC area for work for a couple of days. That was incredibly hard to do.

Two days post surgery

For the next three days I finalized the logistics for living and working in Wilmington. I left Antoine back in DC and headed to be with Nia. It was hard leaving Antoine because we are a team and He has been on this journey with me- but Nia needed me by her side. It felt so good to have her back in my arms.

Upon my return to the hospital the discussion of Discharge Plan came up. No Way!!!! Discharge Plan what’s that.

The lead NNP for Nia’s case, believed that it was critical to get Nia home so she didn’t contract any infections from being in the hospital too long especially in the medical team’s eyes Nia was one of the healthiest EVC babies they had cared for- WOW! Really? At Fairfax there seemed to be no end in sight- as it seemed the medical team only felt comfortable sending babies home on oxygen not actual respiratory support- like a ventilator. However, at duPont they were innovative in this department. They knew immediately how Nia could be fully supported at home in a safe environment.

There was even an ambitious discussion to have Nia home by Christmas, but we made the staff aware- there was no need to prematurely send Nia home- we need to make sure we had all our ducks in row.

In the meantime, Antoine drove in the wee hours of the morning to Wilmington after working long hours to FLEX his time so he could spend long weekends with us. I would eagerly await (using my time wisely- pumping overnight) at the Ronald McDonald House to let him in.

Learning Nia’s at home Care

We were shown what her home ventilator would like and how to properly use it. It was even “portable,” although heavy to carry. We were shown how to feed Nia via her g-tube and had to be proficient before discharged.

We took a CPR course at the hospital as well and watched numerous videos related to at-home care. While learning all of this we had to identify an in-home nursing company for Nia and coordinate meet and greets with the company we decided to go with. Additionally, we had to travel a few times back to our home in Alexandria to pick up Nia’s at-home equipment and meet with potential nurses that would care for Nia.

Nia’s Hospital grade home (portable) ventilator-respiratory support- Trilogy

Meeting Another EVC  baby and family in the hospital!

It was a blessing to meet another EVC baby (boy) and family! He took Nia’s old room- as Nia had gained a roommate in another room. It was a blessing to meet his family- Amish Dutch- in any other circumstance this would probably be unlikely meet between the both of us. Because EVC is so common in their community, we actually met their daughter who has EVC and some of their friends kids living with the condition. I was amazed! That gave us renewed hope that there is calm after the storm.

Breakfast with another EVC Family

We had another sweet family (non-Amish) that drove to meet me on a Saturday (Antoine had to work). There beautiful daughter has EVC, and she was absolutely adorable. She was strong and independent! I loved her spirit! So grateful again for social media- which led to this awesome met! 🙂

The Holidays at DuPont!

The holidays were actually not bad in the hospital considering our circumstances although we truly missed our family and friends. It was beyond exhausting though, living the hospital life, but we didn’t take this journey for granted.  We had a baby to celebrate and be thankful for- what else could you ask for!

We learned more about Nia’s care.

We adjusted overall well to Nia sharing a room. Nia’s new NICU roommate was born prematurely on Nia’s due date, October 14! I don’t believe in coincidences- all part of God’s divine will! Baby Anya was so sweet and so was her family! It took a little adjustment sharing a room- but we managed well. For the first two months of our NICU journey, Nia had private single rooms.

Christmas Time

DuPont actually had a Christmas store for families to shop for free- it was so cool! We were able to get a couple of gifts for Nia, my nieces and nephews, And for ourselves- gift cards!

We were able to get a  good home-cooked Christmas dinner with some family friends in Baltimore- and then back to Nia we went!

Nia’s First Christmas

Nia at 3 months with her daddy! 😍

New Year’s Eve was Antoine’s bday so I had a day planned with the movies and dinner in Wilmington. Antoine loved the theater!

We brought in the New Year at Nia’s bedside.

End In Sight!

We were so close to going home by the beginning of January- and we were ready! We were completely exhausted from traveling back and forth to Wilmington- coordinating Nia’s in-home care and still trying to work at least somewhat- but we got it done!

Nia passed her car seat test with flying colors which is another required NICU benchmark! 🙌🏾😍

Nia’s car seat test! Someone was totally unbothered- 3 hours later! 💗💗💗

The Scramble to Finish Nursery

We couldn’t believe our baby would be coming home soon and the once blank guest room was now transforming into a nursery- Oh another miracle! To know we didn’t have a thing for Nia’s nursery prior to her birth, but somehow God provided- what a testament to God’s grace!

Nia’s nursery- fit for a NICU Warrior Princess!

Required Overnight In-Stay

Then it was time for our in-stay at hospital where you are required to do approximately 24 hours of care without any medical team help! That was an interesting night- because some things definitely remind you- this isn’t quite home but we survived!

Thennnn Graduation Day!

NICU graduation morning started off great, but then a glitch came that could’ve derailed Nia’s discharge… her g-tube Mic-Key had to be changed and we needed training on how to replace it if necessary- Say What!!!! We have checked the box for everything how was this miss???! I kept thinking noooo we have to get out of this hospital. We are done! Nia’s lead NNP was determine to rectify the problem and she did!

Doctors, nurses, and all other personnel came by to say their “see you laters.” It was an awesome feeling- Nia would get to finally see her nursery that we had only created after she was born!

Some of Nia’s awesome nurses/discharge team!

As we walked out of Nia’s NICU room- I  played “Pomp and Circumstance.” As I got to the NICU exit- I broke down in the most exhausting tears ever!!!! I said I wouldn’t cry but the joy  and liberation that came over me was nothing but the Holy Spirit- Jesus kept us and Nia!

Walking out the hospital- 2nd NICU with a breathing and thriving baby was exhilarating and magical!!! It was truly another miracle!!! My God, My God! We survived! Walking out of the NICU with our baby in tow help to ease the heaviness of our journey.

We took our grand exit walk one last time and it felt so good!

In the car we went and 2 hours plus past Nia’s feeding time (she did soooo good) we finally arrived home to Alexandria, VA.

Nia’s at-home journey began…

“I can do all things through Jesus Christ that strengthens me.” Phil 4:13

“And We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Rom 8:28

Journey Down NICU Memory Lane


This blog post is dedicated to NICU Warrior parents! We pray our story enlightens family and friends of those on this journey that it’s truly a tumultuous journey that test your physical and mental capacity. 

Be Blessed!


Team A&E